A woman is in a pet store asking for the coolest pet they have for her husband.
“That would be Loretta the Lizard,” the owner smiled. “Follow me madam.”
He takes her to a cage to see a lizard with three legs and one eye.
“What's so cool about this ugly thing?” The woman asks.
“Loretta gives the best blow job in the world. Satisfaction guaranteed.”
“I'll take her.”
The wife takes Loretta home and gives her to her husband.
“Why did you get me this thing?” the husband asks.
“Take her to the bedroom and you'll find out.”
The husband does. An hour goes by. The wife enters the room to find her husband lying naked in bed and smoking a cigarette.
“How was Loretta?” she asked
“Once I teach her how to cool, your ass is outta here!!!”


An Irish guy goes to confession. He tells the priest: “Bless me
father for I have sinned. I screwed a married woman.”
“That's terrible my son,” the priest says. “Who may she be?”
“I can't tell you that, Father.” the man says.
“Was it Jeanne McCarthy?”
“No Father.”
“Was it Mary McDougal?”
“No Father.”
“If you shan't tell me then you will have to do penance. Say twenty Hail Marys and fifty Our Fathers.”
“Yes Father,” the man said and left the confession booth. He walked outside the church and ran to his friend.
“Did you tell him?” his friend asks.
“I sure did,” said the man.
“What did you get?”
“Twenty Hail Marys, fifty Our Fathers and two great leads!!!”



A man walks out of a house in Dublin. Suddenly another man sticks a gun to his forehead.
“Are you Protestant or Catholic?”
Not wanting to get shot if he says the wrong answer the man decided to lie.
“I'm neither, I'm Jew.”
The gunman laughs and said, “Then I'm the luckiest Arab in Ireland tonight!!”



Brucie came home from work only to see his lover Sydney in a worried state.
“What's wrong Syd?” Brucie asked.
“I think I've got something stuck in my ass. Can you take a real close look?”
Brucie told Sydney to bend over and gazed into his lover's asshole.
“I don't see anything up there Syd.”
“But there is! I know there is!” Sydney insisted.
“Stick your finger up there and maybe you can feel something.”
Brucie complied but came up with air.
“I don't feel anything Syd.”
“I know something's up there. Stick another finger in!”
Brucie did as he was told but still couldn't find anything.
“Then try putting your hand up there!” Syd cried.
Brucie shoved his hand up to his wrist in Sydney's asshole. When he pulled it out, there was a thousand-dollar watch on his wrist.
“What the hell-” Bruce said. “What's this about?”
Sydney sings. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”