Nokkrir skotabrandarar eru alltaf vel við hæfi:

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, is talking to a
young man.
Old Man says, “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how wellit's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window.

“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder?
Nooo… ”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

“But ya fuck one goat . . . and they call you McGregor-the-sheep-shagger!”
——————

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.

“I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!”

Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's
husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know
what had happened.

“Well,” said the Scottish wife. “As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!”
——————

Two Scottish Guys

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I'm from Scotland”, replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland.”

“Of Course”, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?”

“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.

“I can't believe it”, says the first man. “I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen.”

“Of course”, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What's been going on?”, he asks the bartender

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”

——————

Scottish Delivery

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high Ian so I can see what I'm doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there Ian!” said the doctor. “Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there's yet another wee one to come yet.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there's yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it's the light that's attracting them?”
;)