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GOD SAYS!

And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own. . . .


I never said, “Thou shalt not think.”
—God


Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while.
—God


I don't care who started it. Just stop it.
—God


If you seek to know my ways, read a damn science book.
—God


You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded.
—God


Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician.
—God


If I wanted you to have seven kids, I would have given you a bigger planet.
—God


You're not tracking those bloody footprints in here.
—God


E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine.
—God


You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one.
—God


The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either.
—God


Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible?
—God


Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one.
—God


Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up?
—God


I love Marilyn Manson, too. Maybe more than I love you.
—God


Here's a clue—if they say they're doing it in my name, they're lying.
—God


I'm flattered you liked my book so much. Now why don't you read something new?
—God


I'm concerned about children's education. I favor lower child-to-parent ratios.
—God


I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it.
—God


Want to know how old the earth is? Ask the earth, not the Bible.
—God


If you don't clean this place up, you won't get another millennium.
—God


I don't blame video games when my children start shooting each other.
—God


I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang.
—God


If you didn't hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt.
—God


All this will someday be your children's.
—God


There is no such thing as killing in my name.
—God


Stop smirking, America. I'm talking to you, too.
—God