Detroit Michigan: Ford Motor Company announced today that it plans to release “the biggest and best SUV on the planet” according to CEO William Clay Ford, Jr. The move was motivated by declining SUV sales due to the rise of “natural male enhancement” pills. “In the past, SUVs were a good means to cover one’s lack of manhood, but with these new pills, we have to go above and beyond,” stated Ford. The new vehicle, to be named the Conqueror, will be nearly twice the size of the Ford Expedition. It is expected to have four feet of ground clearance, enough to clear mailboxes, parking meters, shrubbery, and smaller cars. It will also be wider than the Expedition by two feet, increasing its rollover stability. The ten-ton Conqueror will hold up to a dozen people, but is most suited for a single commuter just trying to “conquer” the concrete jungles of Suburbia. It will come equipped with GPS navigation and satellite radio. Ford is also considering releasing a version with metal treads, similar to a tank, in place of rear tires. “This would give added traction, should anyone consider driving off-road.” The vehicle will have an average fuel economy of 6 mpg in the city. To combat this, the Conqueror will boast a 60 gallon fuel tank and the exhaust system will feature an innovative filter fitted with pine smelling air fresheners in place of a catalytic converter. As the noxious exhaust is released from the engine it will pass over the air fresheners and come out smelling like fresh pine trees, making this “the most environmentally friendly SUV to date.” Spring Rain-scented models are also being developed. With regards to safety, the Conqueror will be constructed of a solid steel frame and bumpers fitted with a series of foot-long stainless steel spikes, that will not only absorb the impact of collisions better than conventional bumpers, but will also serve as phallic symbols. The new SUV is expected to hit the streets as early as June with a sticker price of around $45k. Following the announcement, Ford stock rose 2 ¼ points elating shareholders.
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