Svona, skellið þessu í ykkur, þið eruð flest að vaxa og taka út þroskann!




A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.




What do you call a room full of lawyers?
A group of highly educated legal professionals.




How do you brainwash a blonde?
A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.





A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, “Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch.”

The pirate replies, “Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?”







Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: “Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?”

Jesus replies: “YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!”







A man walks into a bar

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.





A duck walks into a bar…

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.





What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.





What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.





A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, “You need an operation”.

The guy says, “I want a second opinion.”

The doctor says*, “Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and location of this tumor, and I think we should move quickly if we're going to get our best results.”









A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. ‘What about that one’ he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.






Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.






A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How's this possible? You've been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had.”






What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.





A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts making horrible noises. He manages to get the car into a small town before it finally stalls out in the middle of the street. He gets out of the car and, hiking through the hot desert afternoon, sweat pouring down his penguin brow, he locates the town's car repair shop.

“Excuse me, sir,” the penguin says as he approaches the mechanic. “My car's broken down a little way down the street. I was hoping you could help me.”

The mechanic pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. “No, I can't help you,” he says.

“Why not?” asks the penguin.

“Because you're another hallucination, and I have to close the shop down now and take my medication and maybe take a nap so that it can take effect.” The mechanic slams the door in the penguin's face.

The penguin, stunned and dismayed, wanders around town for another hour, but he can't find anyone to help him. Unaccustomed to such sweltering, overwhelming heat, and unable to find shelter of any sort from the intense afternoon sun, the pengiun soon succumbs to the heat and dies.










A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says “PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!” Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

“First,” says the bartender, “you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her.”

The guy think it over and says “okay, sure. You have a deal!” He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

“What's he doing?” asks the bartender.

“What's left of him is back there in the croc pen,” she says, her horrified face pale with shock. “His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc…the croc ate him.”

“Oh, Jesus,” whispers the bartender. “Jesus.”

Nobody says a word.







A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says “we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!” The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.